Consequences

Merriam-Webster defines consequence as:

1. A conclusion derived through logic: inference
2. Something produced by a cause or necessarily following from a set of conditions
3. Importance with respect to power to produce an effect

As like a lot of autistic kids, Meghan has a very hard time understanding the consequence of her actions. Sending her to her room wasn’t enough of a consequence (or punishment) for her to stop the undesirable activity or behavior; and as a consequence, I had no way of properly mothering her and keeping her safe, other than constantly racing after her and hovering over her.

Many years ago, one of her teachers (the one I really hated) told me, and the rest of the team, that Meghan could successfully be disciplined by keeping her locked in her room and installing a peephole in her door. Yeah, right. Instead of “services,” I should get a lock and a peephole; instead of a bus monitor, I should get her a leotard (a long, frustrating story). Let me just add, holding her in her room has never worked. She doesn’t mind being in her room, and the one time that she did mind, she threw a toy at the window and broke the window. I got to her just in time before she could play with the shards of glass—which she found most intriguing!!

The bottom line: Meghan didn’t care about being sent to her room or not getting dessert (which she would just find unfair) or not going to the playground; she didn’t understand how not getting these things were in relation to what she did wrong, even if the consequence followed the negative behavior.

I’ve even tried rewarding her for her positive behavior. For instance, she would never sit in her seat belt in the car, so in order for me to drive anywhere, I would give her a piece of her favorite candy (like an M&M) every few minutes for rewarding her for sitting in her seat belt. Unfortunately, doing this just proved to be a desperate attempt to keep her busy while she sat in her seat belt. Either she didn’t understand that she was being rewarded for the “appropriate behavior” or she simply didn’t care, because, when she got full or bored, she would be out of her seat belt like a hyperactive child on a sugar high (hmmm)--and I would be screwed!

One Christmas when Meghan was around 5, my sister bought her a preschool toy that taught cause and effect. The toy was big, bulky, and required the youngster to push a small plastic ball through the top to watch it come out through a door at the bottom: a consequence to the action, place the ball in the top, get it back at the bottom. I thought it was insulting.

Today, I want it back, because Meghan still doesn’t get the consequence of her actions theory. And no matter how much I try and trust that she does, it is always thrown back in my face.

Take, for instance, her ipod. She first borrowed Nick’s even though he told me he didn’t want her to use it because she would bite its shiny glass surface. I told him that I would supervise, and did, until I trusted her with it, and then she broke it.

So we go out and buy them new ipods (a consequence to my misguided actions and a second chance for Meghan) and all is forgiven and good again, until she decides to chew on the plastic earphone cord, and now the earphones no longer work.

And no more ipod for her until she learns that biting the cord will get her “no ipod.”
And how do we exercise that experiment? By eventually giving her new earphones and trying again.

And again…
And again…

Do you see the vicious cycle here? This is not parenting 101 (like it was/is with Nick); this is super parenting for the parents who are destined to go insane!!

And I know in some way she can’t help it; she has sensory integration issues and when she is in the presence of a soft, pliable piece of plastic, she can’t help but chew, chew, chew to her hearts content. And, yes, I have tons of chewing tubes for her to use for this very need, but, apparently, these, too, get boring.

As for the ipod, Meghan is still none the wiser, for she cannot understand the concept: that due to her actions, she can no longer listen to her ipod; just as much a mechanical consequence as it is a behavioral one.

So she bites her hand and kicks me. And still no ipod. And I walk away.

Hmm, there’s always next time, I guess.

Vacation at Home??

Sitting here while awaiting Meghan’s bus (and inhaling some chips and dip--salt, I need SALT), Meghan will soon be getting off the bus and running inside. Did you get that, running? Yes she will, because, to her, this is "vacation." Ohh, now I've got the Go-Go's "Vacation" song in my head.

And now it's in your head, too! Sorry! But what the hell, let's just enjoy it .... G0-G0's Vacation, live

Coming home every other weekend is a "real" break from a stricter routine and food menu. Yes, food too. I feel guilty because she just wants to “inhale” food when she’s home (like I'm doing with these damn chips!!), because she can’t do it at school. A food addict or sensory needs? Not sure, but she loves food, and the guilt comes into play because I give in a bit and give her “extra” food that she would not ordinarily get at school. Oh, good mother; bad mother??

A few minutes ago I popped into her room to check on her bed to make sure that everything was to her liking. Gee, I feel like an innkeeper: good food, nice bed, and NO, there isn’t a chocolate on her pillow…that would be ridiculous! (It’s actually stuffed in her drawer!!... Hey, what that heck do you want from me, I’m a mom!)

But on her bed is the newest member of her Winnie the Pooh collection of stuffed animals. It’s Piglet. She didn't have Piglet, so I got her one from Disney World. (Incidentally, she keeps Winnie the Pooh home, and the others are on her bed at school. Not sure why, but I’m guessing it's to make sure she knows she’s coming home (tugs at your heart, doesn't it?). Meanwhile, Tigger and the rest of the crew are with her at school—cute, huh?) And Yes, I was feeling a wee bit guilty that she had to stay in school, and did not come along on our latest trip. But I’m glad that she didn’t; it would’ve been hard on her from what I had heard from school. I get an update every week and last week was no different. The teacher told me that she didn’t have a good week last week… A lot of hand biting and sensory issues, and it seems like it was PMS related. Can you imagine being on the plane, or on a Disney ride, and have Meghan feel overwhelmed and become behavioral? Yikes. It was one thing when she was a lot younger.. and smaller!

I remember one time a few years ago, I took the kids to a fair and, bravely, took her on a “fun” ride: the water, roller coaster ride (semi- coaster, more water ride). Anyway, she had decided that she had had enough and wanted to get off as we were ascending the roller coaster part and then a splash down… I had to yank her down and practically sit on her to make her stay in her seat--while I was having heart palpitations!! Can you see us now? I mean, where did she think she was going to go?

So yes, as I was standing in line for a scary as hell Disney ride--which included heights, I imagined that scene and knew that I had made the right decision--to make this trip just about Nick!

And I’ll admit, I had a good break too!

And the Vacation song is over..... so sad!